Death In The Family

This is an excerpt and overview of my book Girl from Zazu, which explores my story of deep family tragedy at age 13 to creating a life worth living in the last 17 years. The piece below explores some themes I touch on the book such as faith, my father, justice shame and coping with grief as a millennial.

My intention is for this book to help put into words the feelings of many when they lose a loved one, go through a trauma. As common as grief is, its hard to articulate; its as unique as it is universal. Its also my intention to infuse humour into this heavy topic, as a way to stir gratitude for the gift of life

We want to know “Why” and “Why me”. Those were my questions for a long time, but now my questions is “what now” and “what’s next”. In this book I share some of my journey of how I moved from the former to the latter questions, finding joy and purpose the way.

                                                               “Death in the Family”

Hi.

My name is Tiyani and when I was 13, my mom died. But that’s not all. So did my 1 little brother and my other little brother, as well as our nanny who became like an aunt.

See folks there was a death in the family.

I stood there over the four gaping holes in the insatiable and greedy belly of the earth that were about to be closed for the obese earth to swallow up and digest.

With pain in my chest, I peered over and waved “bye mom”, “bye baby brother number 1”, “bye baby brother number 2” and “bye aunty”. I walked over to my dad and held his hand, looked over at the hundreds of people who had come to mourn with us, because see folks; there was a death in the family.

We all know, the devil is a hater. He loves (ironically) to keep us ashamed, convicted and rejected. See although it wasn’t me who bludgeoned, strangled and stabbed them to death, though I wasn’t responsible for the bloodshed- guilt and shame gushed out of my heart.

When other kids asked me “where’s your mom?” I would wish I could explain it like the story of Jesus. But that instead of a virgin birth, my dad had given birth to me- without a womb: to the miracle that is me!

See my existence led to questions about her presence and it was up to me to explain her absence. So I had to explain, see folks; there was A death in the family. Having a single child, is normal.  However a child who was solo for 6 years and had brothers for 7 years and again is back at one. That’s abnormal. Even Facebook would find that complicated.

I had to call 333 and ask my Saviour what to do, because see folks; there was a death in the family. The enemy’s voice in my head telling me to quit dialing Jeremiah 3:33- Hes never going to tell you why. God would never me why there was so much death in the family. In my family and in your family.

The other day I YouTubed a video called “sexual abuse on the 13^th floor”, about a girl who was sexually abused by 2 family members before the age of 10. She constantly felt guilty about something she couldn’t control. She too wanted Him to answer questions that needed urgent attention. “Why would you let something like this happen to an innocent girl?”

In my case I was only 13. “Why would you watch my two helpless brothers open the gate to help someone who ultimately helped himself to the four sweetest servings of love my soul had ever known?” I thought you were the God that helped.

See folks, there was a death in the family, caused by one in the family. My brothers were little but they were smart. They opened the gate to a familiar face, not knowing he had a strange intention. He had murder on his mind. Excuse the pun.

And for this he suffered the most cruel punishment. When I was 21, he was hung. He was my uncle. He who grew up with my mother, but his jealousy tore her body apart. His life was a lie, telling pretty young things everything she had was his, and when she kicked him out- he covered her body with a dish let her die in a sandpit. Folks, see there was a death in the family.

When I read the paper and told my dad, “Jerry has been hung”’. Another body for the belly of the earth: you fat pig! When will it be enough?

I had my justice. The fullest extent of the arm of the law had reached out for my uncle and done to him what he did to others. Yet I still had my hang ups. It had come full circle and I received what millions in the world would never know – to see the perpetrator become the victim. But where was my victory? Because see folks, there was again a death in the family.

Growing up, dad didn’t always know what to do so he bought stuff. I had the normal things other kids has, but family structure not so much. Just the two of us. He was amazing, I won’t lie. With what he had, dealing with his own grief, he gave his best try.

I grew to like nice things, closet bursting with shoes I can barely afford- wanting more I can hardly pronounce. I didn’t want to fight the feeling, I wanted to forget it altogether. Rocking Jordans, shopping till my bank balance drops, Moet popping, screaming YOLO in my Polo, while really knowing it isn’t because I believe in eternal life. Doing all I can to make best friends with faces of dead presidents, trying to numb the fact that, see folks, there has been a death in the family.

What I need money can’t buy, the pain I feel, no long drop earrings can go down that far.

There is a cross though, the wooden pole deep enough to withstand the fury in my heart and His arms stretched across my heart to comfort me. He subtracts my anger and adds peace- simple maths!

Better yet; that cross means one day, when we are in eternity, there will be no more news  about a death in the family.  

The one I can’t wait to see, more than my mother, brothers or aunt is Christ! The first born of the grave! Yes folks, there was death in the family but love redeemed us.

See folks, there will be more death in the family, but we have eternity too.

The Millenialls Rest: Cultivating a daily culture of rest..

Happy New Year y'all! I am sure that its going much better for you than it did for Mariah Carey..

So, why am I writing to you about taking rest when we just got off a long, much needed break? Aren't I two weeks, or a month too late?

Actually, being on these holidays is what prompted me to make this inquiry. Because absence from work and routine does not guarantee rest. Bustling between relatives, chasing flights, finding the right parties to attend, calling your bank to increase the credit card limit, taking the right angled bikini shot and picking the right filter can all be exhausting, even if you are on holiday. After clinking champagne glasses at midnight- on that very stretched card, poof; you are back at your desk asking "where did the holidays go?" and moaning "I need another holiday".

I recently travelled home to spend my 29th birthday and Christmas with my family, both a first in the absence of my grandmother. I was met at the airport by at least 10 cousins and for the next 7 days I did not have a single moment- apart from bathroom breaks- to myself. I estimate that we had 45 people staying in a 3 bedroom house- we turned the study into a bedroom too, so 4 bedroom house and a one bedroom garden cottage. It was chaotic, but beautiful. I would not change a single thing about it, but I couldn't wait to get back to Joburg- which becomes a silent sanctuary over December.

I came back on the 26th of December and I vowed that I would not start working until the 28th! Then I got a text alerting me for a potential client that wanted to meet on the 27th. I run my own legal consultancy, so its my duty to at least hear a matter out and  I dutifully set up the appointment. While preparing for the meeting, it hit me that I don't know how to rest. While I was at home, I had back to back meet ups with relatives and friends - some of whom I didnt even get to see and now I was back to more of the same.

I spent the next two days in pyjamas and binge watching movies in an attempt to do this 'rest' thing. I then turned to the oracle that is Facebook to get expert opinions on the definition of rest. The responses went from: "rest is the time between when your eyelashes flicker to blink", "whatever reenergises your body and head so you can think and move forward", to "all those things especially sleeping in or watching mindless TV, or even just lying in the sun" and lastly " long walks chats with someone you love talking about  nothing serious."

I dont want to start this new year already eyeing the Easter Holidays! A friend  was already telling me how she will get 20 days off by just taking 6 leave days! If you want to know more on that hack, hit me up below and I will put you in touch. I want to cultivate a culture of rest as part of my daily routine- not only in sleep but in other ways too, it is imperative to my self care.

I love books! I make it a point to ask for books for each birthday and last year I asked  a friend, who is an advocate, for Thrive by Ariana Huffington. After reading some of the book, I stopped because I felt that Ariana was telling people to slow down on work after she had sold her business for $315 million to AOL! I was like "let me do that first and then I will rest!" But this holiday I dusted off my copy of Thrive and reread it to find some daily rituals I can practice going into the year!

Here are my top 5 rest routines I am challenging myself with in 2017.

1) Quality Sleep: 7-8 Hours a night

As an entrepreneur that works from home it is very difficult to unplug and go to sleep, especially towards the end of the month. However according to a study by the Harvard Medical School's Division of Sleep Medicine "sleep deprivation negatively impacts our mood, our ability to focus, and our ability to access higher level cognitive functions: the combination of these factors is what we generally refer to as mental performance." Therefore, to be smarter, you have to sleep more; not less! 

The most sleep deprived people are actually women-working moms to be exact. Between handling work and young child they get an average of 5 hours of sleep a night! Did you know that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for captured enemies? and you can die from a lack of sleep! As women, this is the only time I will condone sleeping your way to the top!

Now sleeping isn't getting into bed and going through your social media timefeeds until you fall asleep only to get a rude jolt from your alarm clock a few minutes hours later!You need to completely shut down before you get into the bed and be prepared for sleep.

Here are a few things you can do to cross over into la-la land:

• Make your bedroom darker (maybe buying lower voltage bulbs, or only using lamps) and keep it cool;
• Practice deeper breathing before bed (I've tried this, it does work)
• Banish all LCD screens from the bedroom at night (cellphone- charge it in the lounge and buy an alarm clock, laptops, TV, tablet)
• Get a nice set of pyjamas that will excite you to get into bed.

2) The Power Nap

If you can't quite make the 8 hours of daily sleep, for a good reason; try the next best thing: A power nap!

If you decide to nap, you are actually in good company with the likes of US Presidents  Lyndon Johnson, Ronald Reagan and John F Kennedy, inventor Thomas Edison and British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. 

Churchill said “Nature has not intended mankind to work from eight in the morning until midnight without that refreshment of blessed oblivion which, even if it only lasts twenty minutes, is sufficient to renew all the vital forces.”

Their naps would vary from 20 minutes to 2 hours and even up to 6 hours! The most bizarre nap I have heard of is that of Salvadore Dali, the artist, who would nap for 1 second! He called it "slumber with a key" where he would sit in a chair, holding a key and place a plate on the floor so that when he fell asleep the key would fall onto the plate and wake him up! Apparently Albert Einsten did the same, so it may be worth a try!

Swans Reflecting Elephants by Dali (maybe he found inspiration during his nap)

Lunch hour is the perfect time to nap because the truth is, no one eats for the whole hour! Lie in your car, or close the door to your office for 20 minutes!

Side note: These are all men, can we take up the challenge of becoming famous women nappers! 

3) Unplugging

We live in a hyper connected world where we probably know more about whats going on around us, than we do whats going on inside us.

I did not think I was addicted so social media until I watched Simon Sinek's talk on Millenials in the Workplace, which you can see here. I warn you, do not watch this video if you aren't ready to make some changes, I was not ready!

I think at some point we each need to go on a social media hiatus for at least 30 days- unless you need to use social media to make money. But don't use it to bring you comfort or relevance. Boredom is good, it teaches you to be creative. 

We use social media to mask so much frustration, depression, loneliness when we need to be connecting with real people. I want to be more vulnerable, present and available to people in my life and stop thinking in hashtags!

I am coming off social media from 8 January to 31 January- I am nervous and excited, but it will be wonderful!

4) Minimalism

This is a concept I came across recently, so I am also learning!

Minimalism is about owning exactly the right things, for you and your needs, and no more than that, so that you then have more time, energy, and resources (including money) to spend on the important stuff. 

Stuff costs money and it takes up alot of space- a lack of both can lead to stress-which does not help to rest. My apartment is crammed full of boxes- its like I am constantly moving- but thats because I dont have enough room for everything.

Living with less is not just about getting rid of junk and making extra cash from selling your horded items. It is about living with passion and purpose and less about living for things. I have read about people living with just 50 items and up to 300 items.

An apartment with 288 items

I am planning on going to grad school soon and I keep stressing about where to leave my belongings for a year! If I can cut everything down to 300 items or less, that will eliminate a lot of stress.

I really need to examine my relationship with things as I think a lot of us do. Would we still want to be rich if there was nothing to buy? I am working on dissociating success with material possessions and minimalism is step 1! I want to own stuff and not be owned by stuff. I will rest easier with less stress about stuff.

Its about frequently asking the question " Do I need this?"as sale season is upon us with stores trying to clear space for the winter collections. 

5) Quiet Time

Meditation or prayer or power hour or stillness.Whatever word you decide to use.

We all need at least 5 minutes or an hour to connect with our source of wisdom and power.I use this time to read my Bible and pray.

I will admit that when I dont get enough sleep I steal from my Quiet Time and days when I miss Quiet Time just turn out very stressful and unproductive. I am out of my flow and out of sync with purpose. 

This year I will not compromise on my Quiet Time, I will be there for it on time like I would a date with Drake!

At the beginning of the holiday I thought rest was binge watching Quantico while eating cheese flavoured chips, trifle and chicken wings. All I feel is lethargic and guilty, and I dont think rest leaves you feeling restless and self loathing. Escapism is not resting or relaxing. I dont think you can take rest if you are not grateful for what you have right now - it may not be much, but be thankful for whatever you have- so my bonus step is expressing daily gratitude for what has happened in the day. It doesn't have to have happened to me personally, but something good that happened to a friend or in the world! Try doing that right before bed- count up to 5 things!

I think implementing these simple steps on a daily basis will allow me to cultivate a culture of self care, where I can take rest daily instead of waiting for the next public holiday. 

What tips do you have?

What Manner of Madness is a Married Christmas?

Over the Christmas holidays I kept coming across this mess:

What the heck is a Married Christmas?

Didn't we agree that marriage is not an achievement?

This not a rhetorical question.

Here is the Huffington Post , with that has over 800 000 likes, to refresh your memories!

If Chimamanda says it, its true!

Is getting married your greatest achievement that you are going to hijack Jesus' birthday for it?

Ok, its cool.. Next year I am sending out Christmas Cards like:

Do they give out these for Marriage?

Me and my Mine wish you a Maserati Christmas

From the Mansion in Aspen..

I am pretty sure if unmarried women did this, people would feel some type of way. We really aren't bothered or bitter  about your wedding, but its not worth stealing the shine from Jesus. You had your wedding, now shhh, go sit in the corner and let us have a Merry Christmas!


If you continue with that mess, we are coming for Valentines Day too..

Ps: If anyone comes at me with "but that career isn't going to keep you warm at night", be ready to catch these clapbacks like:

A Seat At The Table

I am Donald Trump... and so are You!

Donald J Trump is the 45th President of the United States of America and a lot of people don't know how we they got here. I am in South Africa, so I can't even begin to imagine what Americans are facing or feeling and I won't event try, however we live in a global village and if America sneezes, the world shakes. So we are all in this together!

Donald was known for his diarrhoea like comments that were abrupt, violent and left a bad taste in the mouths of millions. Yet, here we are sad on social media and he is moving from the Trump Towers to the White House, I think we can officially coin the statement " Up like Donald Trump."

In an effort to be a better human being, who is less angry in traffic and gives hugs- I have decided to do some 'work' with the  spiritual guru Iyanla Vanzant. Iyanla has a show called "Iyanla, Fix My Life" which takes her guests down a spiritual path which often looks at the conditioning that exists in the subconscious from childhood traumas or previous hurtful events. She has a Youtube program called A Deeper Dive where she explains the processes and steps the guests on the show have taken to allow viewers at home to also do the 'work' of healing. One of the great lessons I have learned is that "what you most dislike in another person is a reflection of what you most dislike about yourself."

With that said, I want to look at the 3 burning issues (and it was hard to narrow them down, because they are so many) that we have with The Donald and ultimately in ourselves as well as society.

Spoon full of sugar: This is not to condone or make excuses for him, but like the good book says we should judge others the way we want to be judged- so basically let us be consistent with our hypocrisy. 

1) The Assault on Women

The infamous words rang worlds over "grab them by the pussy". We heard the tapes play over and over and it was categorised as "locker room talk", like that makes it all ok..

Have you ever called a woman a bitch? whore? slut? hoe? To her face, or on her timeline, or under your breath or in your mind? Yes, the degrees of vulgarity differ but the effect is the same. It violates the personhood of a woman.

• 2 Pac's hit song 'Hit em up' starts with " First off, fuck your bitch... you claim to be a player but I fucked your wife." This is about a woman, her name is Faith Evans.

• Big Sean's platinum single " I don't fuck with you, you little stupid ass bitch i aint fuckin with you". This is about a woman, her name is Naya Rivera.

• Kanye West's song Famous and his reference to having sex with Taylor Swift coz "he made the bitch famous"- which he was subsequently absolved from thanks to footage from his ride or die. Taylor wanted to pull off a bit of a Hillary.. just a little bit. 

These are lyrics to songs we enjoy and they are not played in locker rooms, they are played on public radio. These lyrics then influence the conversations about women, therefore is it so unfathomable that someone could use language of that nature when we have a culture of disparaging women as part of entertainment?

Lets be honest, if those words were part of a song by Future, Designer or The Game we would be doing a juju on that beat and a series of dabs.

Too soon?

 Similarly any physical assault of women is #notokay, the millions of women who shared their personal stories of sexual assault on Twitter using that hashtag was heartbreaking. Every woman who has been subjected to men or women touching them inappropriately must continue to share their stories and most importantly report these perpetrators and perverts to the authorities.

The bottom line is we need to deeply examine the culture we have accepted with regards to the way we speak about and act around women, or it will persist. If you don't understand how derogatory and terrible to use the word 'bitch' on women, listen to Iyanla here to learn how ugly it really is.

2) Xenophobia

Have you ever thought, said or muttered "those people", "these damn foreigners" or "they" amakwerekwere referring to Chinese, Indians, Pakistanis, Nigerians, Zimbabweans, etc? Keep it real with yourself.

Donald came out very strongly with his plans to build a wall, a big beautiful wall to keep undocumented Mexicans from entering America. He has also said he will deal as harshly and drastically with people of the Muslim faith.

Lets take a moment to think about a world with no migration (forced or voluntary) and all we would have missed out on! We wouldn't know and enjoy the diabetes joys of pizza, pasta, macaroons, coffee, fanta orange, tea, french fries, haute couture fashions, sushi,  knock offs, diamonds, Beyonce, NBA ballers we love so much, the list is endless.
*Slavery is not and was not ok.


Right now the world is experiencing a mass exodus as people flee from war and poverty torn countries in pursuit of peace, food and safety. A dose of compassion could serve us all. Compassion, as defined by Iyanla is "the ability to understand how someone could have made that decision, but it does not mean that you condone their actions".

I believe that we are all citizens of the world with every right to be on earth, but at times we find ourselves without the required documents to be in our location. My advice to people in that situation is when find your feet and a place to lay your head, get the documents you need to- its ultimately for your protection because  you will have access to benefits and can enforce rights you can't without the documentation.

My humble opinon regarding the wall is it is not going to happen. The African National Congress promised free education and 22 years later students are still protesting for fees to fall. #FeesMustFall and #WallsMustFall!

3) Racism

I will have to disagree with my long time crush Lil Wayne on this one. Black lives do matter physically- in America and fiscally- in South Africa. We will not stop protesting on social media and on the streets until we sit at the table and we are served what is ours from the blood and sweat of our ancestors.

Many of us, even the most educated and spiritual struggle with challenges around race. Hatred, paranoia, ignorance and fear are the seed-bed of racism. Donald has preyed on these and his association with the KKK has perpetuated it to frightening point... to where African Americans are considering coming back to Africa. We will be waiting for Samuel L Jackson at the airport and we have prepared his RDP next door to Trey Songz.


So What Now? Do we hide our heads in the sand and hide ya wife, hide ya kids for the next 4 years?


A friend of mine gave me a MacBook Pro a few months ago when I was having PC drama- which was subsequently resolved. I tried to use the Mac a few times, but it resulted in frustration because I couldn't figure it out and I let it gather dust. Then yesterday, after visiting a client I realised I forgot my PC charger at her offices and I was not back there during peak traffic, but I had work to do. I picked up the Mac, spent 90 minutes watching a Youtube tutorial on how to use it, downloaded Office :) and I am typing this post from my Mac!


See, change is upon us and how we respond it entirely up to us. I was unwilling to change my habits until I was forced to- but I also had the option to go "tools down" until I got my charger. Trump is here for the next 4 years, you can chose to wait for the next leader or you can find a way to win and create better a world so next time you have worthy candidates. The leaders we have today are a reflection of all the behaviour we have allowed to infiltrate our personal lives; each vote tells a story.

Here are 5 practical things you can do over the next 4 years; consider it as getting a degree in being a better human. I am going to challenge myself too ..

1) Grab a new vocabulary.

We want to eat clean, so how about we speak clean? If you want to grab something for a woman, try grabbing a door and leave her pussy alone!

2) Lean In

Get involved in causes that promote women's rights, even if its an activity for a day or simply wearing a sticker! In the wake of the migration crisis, human trafficking has become a big problem, find out what you can do to protect and rescue young victims.

3) Invite a person of a different race for a meal in your home.

Be genuine and sincere in your invitation with a real desire to know who they are and hear their story. To those white people who have accepted that white privilege is real and admit you are beneficiaries of it, we are recruiting you to join the BLM movement. Perhaps when you explain it to your counterparts they may understand and have their own road to Damascus moment!

Side note: black people, when invited do not rock up empty handed- get flowers or wine even the cheap kind will do!

4) Ask a person of a different nationality to invite you to their home.

Try to time this request around their country's independence day because they will probably celebrate it. People in the diaspora love to be patriotic, from afar. Ask them to prepare a native, homemade dish from their country and some of their local music for you to have  a culinary and sensory journey to their birthplace.

*With 3 & 4,it  has to be intimate and do your best to learn. You can't control how the other person experiences it, but you will be better for it!

5) Love yourself

I love this poem by Nayyirrah Waheed from her book Salt:

If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world. but if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings.

We can only give the love we have for ourselves to others and to love Him, who placed us here with all our soul, heart and mind. He controls the universe,  regardless of who is in the White House.

Basically;

I am Donald Trump... and so are You!

Donald J Trump is the 45th President of the United States of America and a lot of people don't know how we they got here. I am in South Africa, so I can't even begin to imagine what Americans are facing or feeling and I won't event try, however we live in a global village and if America sneezes, the world shakes. So we are all in this together!

Donald was known for his diarrhoea like comments that were explosive, violent and left a bad taste in the mouths of millions. Yet, here we are sad on social media and he is moving from the Trump Towers to the White House, I think we can officially coin the statement " Up like Donald Trump."

In an effort to be a better human being, who is less angry in traffic and gives hugs- I have decided to do some 'work' with the  spiritual guru Iyanla Vanzant. Iyanla has a show called "Iyanla, Fix My Life" which takes her guests down a spiritual path which often looks at the conditioning that exists in the subconscious from childhood traumas or previous hurtful events. She has a Youtube program called A Deeper Dive where she explains the processes and steps the guests on the show have taken to allow viewers at home to also do the 'work' of healing. One of the great lessons I have learned is that "what you most dislike in another person is a reflection of what you most dislike about yourself."

With that said, I want to look at the 3 burning issues (and it was hard to narrow them down, because they are so many) that we have with The Donald and ultimately in ourselves as well as society.

Spoon full of sugar: This is not to condone or make excuses for him, but like the good book says we should judge others the way we want to be judged- so basically let us be consistent with our hypocrisy. 

1) The Assault on Women

The infamous words rang worlds over "grab them by the pussy". We heard the tapes play over and over and it was categorised as "locker room talk", like that makes it all ok..

We heard the tapes play over and over and it was categorised as "locker room talk", like that makes it all ok..

Have you ever called a woman a bitch? whore? slut? hoe? To her face, or on her timeline, or under your breath or in your mind? Yes, the degrees of vulgarity differ but the effect is the same. It violates the personhood of a woman.

• 2 Pac's hit song 'Hit em up' starts with " First off, fuck your bitch... you claim to be a player but I fucked your wife." This is about a woman, her name is Faith Evans.

• Big Sean's platinum single " I don't fuck with you, you little stupid ass bitch i aint fuckin with you". This is about a woman, her name is Naya Rivera.

• Kanye West's song Famous and his reference to having sex with Taylor Swift coz "he made the bitch famous"- which he was subsequently absolved from thanks to footage from his ride or die. Taylor wanted to pull off a bit of a Hillary.. just a little bit.

These are lyrics to songs we enjoy and they are not played in locker rooms, they are played on public radio. These lyrics then influence the conversations about women, therefore is it so unfathomable that someone could use language of that nature when we have a culture of disparaging women as part of entertainment?

Lets be honest, if those words were part of a song by Future, Designer or The Game we would be doing a juju on that beat and a series of dabs.

Too soon?

 Similarly any physical assault of women is #notokay, the millions of women who shared their personal stories of sexual assault on Twitter using that hashtag was heartbreaking. Every woman who has been subjected men or women touching them inappropriately must continue to share their stories and most importantly report these perpetrators and perverts to the authorities.

The bottom line is we need to deeply examine the culture we have accepted with regards to the way we speak and act around women, or it will persist. If you don't understand how derogatory and terrible to use the word 'bitch' on women, listen to Iyanla here to learn how ugly it really is.

2) Xenophobia

Have you ever thought, said or muttered "those people", "these damn foreigners" or "they" amakwerekwere referring to immigrants? Keep it real with yourself.

Donald came out very strongly with his plans to build a wall, a big beautiful wall to keep undocumented Mexicans from entering America. He has also said he will deal as harshly and drastically with people of the Muslim faith.

Lets take a moment to think about a world with no migration (forced or voluntary) and all we would have missed out on! We wouldn't all know and enjoy the joys of pizza, pasta, macaroons, coffee, tea, haute couture fashions, sushi, diamonds, Beyonce, NBA ballers we love so much, the list is endless. *Slavery is not and was not ok.


Right now the world is experiencing a mass exodus as people flee from war and poverty torn countries in pursuit of peace, food and safety. A dose of compassion could serve us all. Compassion, as defined by Iyanla is "the ability to understand how someone could have made that decision, but it does not mean that you condone their actions".

I believe that we are all citizens of the world with every right to be on earth, but at times we find ourselves without the required documents to be in our location. My advice to those people is when find your feet and a place to lay your head, get the documents you need to- its ultimately for your protection because  you will have access to benefits and can enforce rights you can't without the documentation.

My humble opinon regarding the wall is it is not going to happen. The African National Congress promised free education and 22 years later students are still protesting for fees to fall. #FeesMustFall and #WallsMustFall!

3) Racism

I will have to disagree with my long time crush Lil Wayne on this one. Black lives do matter physically- in America and fiscally- in South Africa. We will not stop protesting on social media and on the streets until we sit at the table and we are served is ours from the blood and sweat of our ancestors.

Many of us, even the most educated and spiritual struggle with challenges around race. Hatred, paranoia, ignorance and fear are the seed-bed of racism. Donald has preyed on these and his association with the KKK has perpetuated it to frightening point... to where African Americans are considering coming back to Africa. We will be waiting for Samuel L Jackson at the airport and we have prepared his RDP next door to Trey Songz.


So What Now? Do we hide our heads in the sand and hide ya wife, hide ya kids for the next 4 years?


A friend of mine gave me a MacBook Pro a few months ago when I was having PC drama- which was subsequently resolved. I tried to use the Mac a few times, but it resulted in frustration because I couldn't figure it out and I let it gather dust. Then yesterday, after visiting a client I realised I forgot my PC charger at her offices and I was not back there during peak traffic, but I had work to do. I picked up the Mac, spent 90 minutes watching a Youtube tutorial on how to use it, downloaded Office :) and I am typing this post from my Mac!


See, change is upon us and how we respond it entirely up to us. I was unwilling to change my habits until I was forced to- but I also had the option to go "tools down" until I got my charger. Trump is here for the next 4 years, you can chose to wait for the next leader or you can find a way to win and create better a world so next time you have worthy candidates. The leaders we have today are a reflection of all the behaviour we have allowed to infiltrate our personal lives. What you say no to, will give your yes more power!

Here are 5 practical things you can do over the next 4 years- consider it as getting a qualification in being a better human. I am going to challenge myself too ..

1) Grab a new vocabulary.
We want to eat clean, so how about we speak clean? If you want to grab something, grab a door open for a woman and leave her pussy alone!

2) Lean In
Get involved in causes that promote women's rights, even if its an activity for a day or simply wearing a sticker! In the wake of the migration crisis, human trafficking has become a big problem, find out what you can do to protect and rescue young victims.

3) Invite a person of a different race for a meal in your home.
Be genuine and sincere in your invitation with a real desire to know who they are and hear their story. To those white people who have accepted that white privilege is real and admit you are beneficiaries of it, we are recruiting you to join the BLM movement. Perhaps when you explain it to your counterparts they may understand and have their own road to Damascus moment!

Side note: black people, do not go empty handed- get flowers or wine even the cheap kind will do!

4) Ask a person of a different nationality to invite you to their home.
Try to time this request around their country's independence day because they will probably celebrate it. People in the diaspora love to be patriotic, from afar. Ask them to prepare a native, homemade dish from their country and some of their local music for you to have  a culinary and sensory journey to their birthplace.

With 3 & 4,it  has to be intimate and do your best to learn. You can't control how the other person experiences it, but you will be better for it!

5) Love yourself

I love this poem by Nayyirrah Waheed from her book Salt:

If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world. but if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings.

We can only give the love we have for ourselves to others and to love Him, who placed us here with all our soul, heart and mind. He controls the universe,  regardless of who is in the White House.

Basically;

Yoke'd Up

In the Northern Hemisphere

In South Africa, its spring and that means long, cool nights and short, lacy outfits! The summer bodies better come through!!

Trying to find bae is not seasonal, its a year round activity = MissionBae'dUp . Cuffing seasons may come and go, but the search is on- we just use different bait at the various times of the year. In winter, body heat and in summer showing the heat that is your body!

                                                                                  The Ultimate Matchmaker

Introducing the old school way to get bae'd up.. well not really, but kind of. Its called a Yoke!

If you have been in church for a decent amount of time you have heard these scriptures:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14)

and maybe

For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. (Matthew 11:30)

As a city slicker, I only discovered what a yoke looks like today. For the longest time I though this was a yoke:

Behold the plough!

The purpose of the yoke is to make weight of the work lighter on the animals by distributing it evenly on them. This means no animal is pulling alone or being dragged by the other. Its about helping and sharing the burden. 

See, because I had the wrong idea of what a yoke is, those verses above didn't quite hit home. The plough is a symbol of struggle, sweat and dirty work- whereas the yoke symbolises a grace that is extended to us, because Jesus didnt have to come down. He chose to and He still chooses to help us bear burdens He didn't create. He goes halvies with us, in fact, most of the time He goes more than that. 

In my mind, I saw a plough so I saw struggle, toil and exhaustion. This stress causing feeling that I have to do everything "No pressure, No diamonds.... If its to be, its up to me" were (are) my mantras. When I am frustrated I don't turn into a giant green monster that terrifies, mystifies and is beyond reproach by insurance companies. I kinda just resort to:

I  dont believe in  Scientology,, but they have developed some very useful study tips. One of them is clearing the undefined word- they suggest that your mind stops comprehending when you come across a word you don't understand. The theory is that your mind will not be able to understand beyond that word, so you must stop- get tools to define the word and proceed. There was a part of grace I didn't understand because I didn't know what a yoke was, so seeing this image of the yoke helped me tremendously, really, the penny dropped for me!

I think even in the quest to be bae'd up, the same principles apply. What is your focus on? on the plough or the yoke? Are you thinking of all the wonderful sex or the partner that will sit with you in emergency rooms when you have a sick baby? Are you thinking of the mansions or the person who will be holding your hand when the coffin of your mother or father is going down? You don't want to be pushing them into the grave too! Or if you are like me you see marriage or relationship as losing certain freedoms and basic human rights  , but you don't see the friendship and someone to warm your side of the bed in winter.

In conclusion, it is more important to be Yoke'd Up than to be Bae'd Up!

Thoughts?

J'aDora..

My grandmother passed on from pain to eternity on 15 July 2016. Her name was Dora. 

Ngiyabonga Gogo (Thank you Gran). I always felt that these prayers were my secret weapon. We always ended our calls with promises of prayer for each other..and I am certain you kept your end of the deal. Now that you are gone, these prayers will cease for me but I will do my best to pray for everyone else just like you did for all of us.

I am going through memories and thoughts towards  and of my grandmother. This is no particular order and really its part of my processing process. I hope you find hope as I recount about Dora, because J'aDora.

• My granny was uneducated,but wise and although she had very little in terms of finances she was extremely generous. She was the mother 10 children, that were born in very difficult political times and she was proud that each of them has been successful in their own right! My dad, aunts and uncles were raised with in the church as my grandfather was a man of the cloth, and continues to be a man of great faith!

• My grandparents were as different in looks as they were in persona; my grandfather with a booming voice, boisterous and very dark complexion. Whereas my grandmother has a very light with a gentle, yet firm nature. In my mind, I called them "Coke and Fanta."  My grandparents had been together for over 60 years and all my life I have only ever known them together, side by side, cane to cane. I dont know what its going to look like and be like to see my grandfather alone- none of us can picture it and that what is making us all worry. 

• This year I called my grandmother to wish her happy birthday as she was turning 77. It was my first time ever doing this and evidently also my last. Yet, every year- without fail she would remember my birthday and when she could get hold of me, she would sing me a jolly rendition of happy birthday.

• I have had body image issues for the longest time and I remember getting upset with my mother once and asking her "Why did you marry my father before you saw his mother? Now I am stuck with these genes and I will be fat forever!." 

My grandmother was born in the Eastern Cape, South Africa and somehow met a young man from Mozambique and they lived together till parted by death, in Zimbabwe. I dont have the full details of how this happened, but I know they tried to explain it to me and  I all I can remember is my grandfather calling her "ntombi" which means "young woman" and thinking "I want this kind of love". 

I am a South African citizen by descent by virtue of my grandmother so these genes were actually great in retrospect! I am a citizen in one of the greatest countries in the world!! We have a Constitution that has bestowed several rights to the citizenry and all human beings in South Africa. We have courts that protect the rights of enshrined in this Constitution and serve justice (most of the time). We have strong opposition political parties that are rigorously keeping this democracy alive and answerable. She was not in South Africa to enjoy all the privileges I so easily access and opportunities I enjoy as beneficiary of the blood in her veins. I will admit that I have done very little to find out more about her relatives and where was from- I just took the green ID book and ran!

Every time my grandmother called me she would ask me about work. She was always interested to find out how things were really going- if we were getting clients. My parents being lawyers gave her an understanding of what I do. When I started to work for myself, she asked me for some of my business so that she could give them out to people coming to South Africa and may need lawyers. Please keep in mind- my grandparents live deep in the rural areas, where there is no running water or electricity! The type of place where you need to be on or under a tree to catch a cellphone network!

I cannot remember the last time I saw my grandmother standing and walking upright. She was bent over on a cane for a number of years and she was in visible discomfort from her pain in her feet or knees or back. She has diabetes, high blood pressure and hypertension for as long as I can remember. I know that now she is no longer in pain and I am glad about that , but at the same time I will miss her so much. Its about living in that tension- of the relief that she is not hurting anymore and the pain of missing her. The only way to ease that tension is Jesus, He is the one who will bring peace to the situation. 

In John 14:16, Jesus says:

And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another [c]Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever—

There is help on earth........ but wait............ there is more! According to Romans 8:34, there is help from heaven too!


Who is the one who condemns us? Christ Jesus is the One who died [to pay our penalty], and more than that, who was raised [from the dead], and who is at the right hand of God interceding [with the Father] for us

I get prayers from Jesus, thats actually next level epic!

I find strength in knowing that, right now my grandmother and many loved ones are in heaven with Christ. My grandmother felt asleep in pain and woke up to the one who loved her the most. She loves us, but she is not coming back to us and even if given the choice she would not want to! Heaven is GLORIOUS beyond words- according the Paul in Revelations. Who would want to leave the presence of God to come to earth? Other than Jesus of course, so He can have us with Him :)

My grandmother is doing heaven things and I need to be busy with earth things- fulfilling my purpose so that when its my turn to enter the Kingdom, surrounded by the cloud of witnesses- including my grandmother, when I hear these words:

She had a very distinct way of say bye, it sounded like "buy-buy" and it was one of the best parts of the conversation.

Bye bye Kokwane....

10 Signs He Loves You... In Song

I haven't written for you in a while, but I have been writing around the block, specifically at She Leads Africa! Check out my posts here and here. I wrote an article about Beyonce . Take a peek!

I am busy packing for my move back to my old hood.. My packing song is BIG's Back to Cali, lol! I found something I wrote in 2006 called 10 Signs He Loves You, so I figured I would share a bit of my corny side as it is Valentines month.

I was pretty insightful for a  19 year old and if I had taken my own advice I may have avoided some major catastrophes!

1) He listens to you and tries to help you find a solution. {Babyface: You were there}

2) There is an undeniable flow in the relationship, you can see it and others around you as  well.  
{ Destiny's Child: Brown eyes}

I'll throw in the bonus track of Bonnie and Clyde Part 2, to bring it to the future.

3) You don't have to compromise who you are, he makes you feel good about you. {Jamali: Love me for me}

4) You trust him completely because you know he wants the best for you. {Keisha Cole: Love}

5) He supports you in your professional,personally and spiritually, there is nothing he won't do for you. {Joe: All the things}

6) He would be your friend even if he wasn't your man. {Brandy: Best friend}

Ps: I now think men should stay in the friendzone forever.

7) Through his words and actions he shows you that you are different from other woman in his life. {Maxwell: Fortunate}


8) Both of you share common ground and are willing to grow together. {Tamia: Still}


9) You become part of his world, life and interests. { KO ft Nandi Mngoma}

10) He sacrifices for you and considers that a privilege. {Jaheim: Anything}

Most of the songs are old, but remember this is from 2006, I really cheated with number 9 though since its a 2015 song!

What are the new songs that you would choose for the signs? Any other signs we need to add to the list?

Militancy, Magic and Melanin!

I have spent this weekend in awe of black women! It started with my hair dresser who somehow always does right by my hair! Then I discovered an American based reality show called #BlackLove which follows 5 black women on their quest for love in New York. All the women are accomplished in their own rights- professional and educated, as well as extremely attractive but they can't seem to land 'the one'. It got me wondering about the challenges black, educated women in their 30's have in finding a man in Johannesburg. Hmmmm...

However today was all about my South Africa black girls, because local is lekker.

Today was the tomorrow Sarafina proclaimed.

And boy were the girls ready 'ziright zigirls' is an understatement! The fashion was on fleek, the song and dance got everyone in the same frame of mind and there a resounding, unspoken air of resilience as we all shared a scared moment in the Womens Jail. Unlike our predecessors we have the privilege of political freedom, its the other unwritten laws that we are jointly revolting against.

True to form I was late, very late. The poster said the event started at 12pm..I arrived at 5pm. I was betting on my melanin because I knew the event did not start at 12pm and would not end at 6pm. I was too late for the speeches, but just in time for the festivities and to connect with other girls who are black like me.This is not an endorsement for Herman Mashaba.

I walked around asking women what the big lesson and take away was for them, at first I was trying to catch up on the speeches I missed, but as I spoke to more girls it was to capture what brought them out of their homes in 30 degree weather in all black ensembles. I spoke to Noni who came structured her trip from Rhodes to coincide with the event, to Chloe who has come from Durban to find the fleeting fortunes of Johannesburg. I also met Raina who is also from Tongaat, like Chloe and it was pure magic to watch them form a bond which will hopefully turn into a friendship.


 "The energy in this environment feels like we are not going to fight because there is no difference in us.." Chloe

I hustled my way onto the stage and met the very sweet natured Maneo who was one of the organisers and fanned out with my fellow melaninaire Panashe Chigumadzi. I admire these women for coming together to bring pieces of the missing middle together for us to build the safe space we shared today. The presence of women of different age groups was a pleasant surprise- clearly 'kugug'othandayo', you are as young as you feel. 

A lot of the girls I spoke to said they could not hear what was being said as the sound was not entirely great, but they stayed and lingered a little longer because of the atmosphere. I could also see the way the girls became bold and fiery when I asked them their opinion on the day, it made me very happy to see this. We need to create more opportunities for black girls to give their opinion on things that matter to them.

 I believe women need them to be unapologetic, confident, and rebel through self hood. 

See you in 3 months...

Update, the footage I took at at the gathering was shared on the international news platform Newzulu, click here to view! Also upvote it after you look at it!